The memory of the heated religion debate they got into last Thursday was still bothering Mukti.
“So, Ramadan’s over?” Jonny had asked after tracking her down in the Shakespeare garden.
“It’s been over for weeks. I celebrated Eid—the festival that follows Ramadan—on the 31st of August; some people did it on the 30th.” She saw him the day after Eid, actually—it was the first time they met up after the tropical storm—but because it felt like any other day, it didn’t cross her mind to mention the festival to him.
“I know about Eid.” He nodded. “There are two in the Islamic year, right? One of the Muslim guys in my London office told me about the ideology behind them, but I can’t remember…”
“Don’t rely on me to remind you...”
“Oh yeah, you’re not religious, are you? Why do you bother fasting, then?”
“What do you know about my religiousness?” Her words came out in a hiss.
“You’re not a practising Muslim, are you? You don’t pray, you don’t dress appropriately, and you’re living with a guy, sleeping with him out of wedlock. And he’s not even a Muslim.”
She didn’t know whether to respond or just walk away. Eventually, she said, “Mind your own business.”
“I am.” He shrugged. “I wasn’t prying or making judgements on your lifestyle choices. I was merely stating facts—facts which, if you didn’t want me to know, you wouldn’t have disclosed them to me—about your relationship with Jamie before he…”
Though Jonny didn’t finish his sentence, he didn’t even pretend to look sorry for bringing Jamie up! Mukti kept her cool—there were people about; she couldn’t slap him around the face like she really wanted to. “You have no right to say those things to me.” She hurried towards the nearest exit.
“What did I say?” He easily kept up with her. “You have a problem with me repeating information you gave me out of your own free will?”
“You’re incredible!”
“Thank you.” He grinned. “People say that to me often, but not in that tone. Are you angry with me?” He grabbed her arm to make her stay put. His grip was too tight and she couldn’t wriggle out of it.
Her skin burned in anger. How dare he be so strong? “Why would I be angry? Because you’re saying I’m not a proper Muslim due to my lifestyle choices or because you think I shouldn’t bother with practicing what I believe in?”
“Oh, I guess it’s fine if you believe in starving yourself to think of those less fortunate than you, to appreciate what you have, realise that it’s possible to resist temptation.”
His condescending tone would’ve coerced her into slapping him with her free hand had his words not caught her off-guard. He knew a lot more about Ramadan than he was letting on. Her eyes must’ve softened, because he let go of her arm.
“Don’t you believe in the theory behind all the other customs of your religion?” He eyed her curiously.
“I do… in most of them. I know I’m being a hypocrite and picking and choosing what I practice, so don’t even go there.”
“Knowing and admitting to hypocrisy doesn’t justify your behaviour, does it?”
“Of course, not! I wasn’t justifying it!”
“And you think it’s fine to be in the wrong and not make things right?”
“No. Are you saying I ought to be more religious? You, who has no faith of your own?” When he didn’t deny this, she shook her head. “You really are incredible!” Mukti started walking again, though she wasn’t planning to cut short her stroll anymore.
“I’m not telling you to do anything.” His voice was soothing, calm, mature. She gritted her teeth. “I’m just asking. I can’t understand why people do things by halves. I mean, you either believe in your religion, the ideology behind it, or you don’t. People should either practice their religion fully—or at least try to—or reject it completely. Like I have.”
“What’s wrong with finding a happy middle ground?”
“Religion shouldn’t be compromised.”
“But it should be rejected outright if people don’t think they’d be able to follow every single rule, every day of their lives?”
“Yes.” From what she knew of him, Mukti didn’t think that’s what he believed. He simply wanted to start bickering again.
Still, it made her livid. “That’s ridiculous.”
“It’s not. If you believed in Islam wholeheartedly, you’d follow it religiously. You have no more faith than I do.”
Mukti shook her head. “Faith isn’t about practice at all. It’s about having faith. And I have faith.” Well, she did now—it wasn’t always the case, not before she found Jamie.
“So, do I.” He shrugged. “But that didn’t stop you from saying I have no faith because I don’t practice any religion.”
Going around in circles, trying to thwart everything she said, even if he was contradicting himself, Jonny was dizzying her. “You have faith?”
“I do.” He smiled, exposing his teeth. It made her feel sick inside. “Mukti,” he said with an indulgent sigh, “I have faith, just no religion. Faith is what you have; religion is what you practice. But you’re claiming to have both but you don’t. Your religion is a way of life. If you don’t believe in the whole, you’re not a believer.”
“Fine,” she snapped, “let’s assume you’re right. It doesn’t mean I won’t fast every year, that I won’t give my annual Zakah—which is giving 2.5 percent of your total assets to charity and the poor. I won’t stop following all the rules I respect and am proud of. Perhaps I’m not wise enough to comprehend my religion and therefore don’t know if I truly believe in it or not? I may simply be lacking knowledge, not belief.”
“I guess…”
“No, Jonny, don’t guess. Before lecturing people about rejecting their religion, encourage them to learn about it first.”
“Okay,” he said with a small smile. “So, what do you think of people who don’t believe in god? Should they research the existence of gods before becoming atheists?”
“I presume many probably do.” If she mentioned she didn’t have much of an opinion on this, Jonny would lecture her on the benefits of having a stance on interesting issues such as these. “They believe that god doesn’t exist, right? So, they must’ve looked into it before coming to a decision.”
“Do you think they search the web and stuff?” Jonny had an incredulous look in his eyes, a wide smile on his lips.
Mukti couldn’t help smile back, especially since it was his special, twinkling smile. “Agnostics would say there’s no point in doing that.”
“Wait a minute.” His argumentative tone returned. “Isn’t that the same? Agnostics are sceptics, right? How are they different to atheists!”
“Atheists believe strongly that god doesn’t exist. Agnostics believe that you can’t know—that the theory of god can’t be falsified.”
“So, agnostics don’t know if god exists?”
“They think you can’t know,” she stressed. “There’s no way of testing the theory.”
“Same difference. If you can’t know then you don’t know.” He rolled his eyes, like she was missing her own point.
“Can’t know and don’t know are not the same.”
He laughed. “If you can’t know then you don’t know and won’t know.”
“No!” she insisted, stopping and rounding on him. “Saying you don’t know implies there’s a way of knowing. Saying you can’t know means there’s no way of knowing.”
Immediately, he understood. “Okay,” he finally said, nodding. “Philosophy is your strongpoint, Mukti.” He looked impressed. It was a little insulting.
“And your strongpoint Jonny, is being an idiot.
She’s like the strongest wind.
But it keeps me still instead of knocking me down.
She’s like a mighty ocean
that can’t drown me and let’s me walk on its waters.
And when I sit in her sun,
it doesn’t burn me coz she’s the only one that can.
She’s the earth and moon.
The stars and the galaxy.
The universe and everything else that’s bigger.
But she gave herself to me.
She made me everything she is,
And everything I am.
